Without going into too much detail (the whole story is definitely for a different rainy day) I will tell you that….
I grew up in a loud house. Not the good kind of loud. The kind of loud where everyone has something to say about everything…with their mouths, or their hands or whatever is in their hands. There was not a lot of love going around all the time.
We did not read the Bible growing up. We did have one though. As a child this is what I remember about it…
it was a very large book, the biggest one I had ever seen. It had gold lined pages and it was on display in a room we never used and no one ever touched it. Ever.
I did go to Catholic school where I learned when to stand, when to kneel, when to sit, and how many Hail Mary’s it took for me to get back on the good girl list after hitting my brother.
Anyway, not a lot of Jesus talk going on in my life growing up. I really didn’t know who he was, what he said or what he did besides being born in a manger and dying on a cross and being a good man in between. Especially as a teenager and while in college I believed Jesus was for the “good kids”…the ones who didn’t smoke or drink or have boyfriends or do anything against the rules. Honestly, I didn’t have time for it. I was not good enough anyway and it was too boring to be good ALL THE TIME!!! (and impossible Romans 3:23, Isaiah 64:6, 1 John 1:7-9)
So I spent the next few years having fun, living in NYC, meeting the man of my dreams, crying while he sang to me on a mountain in front of 100 of our closest family and friends. And most of all I was busy falling in love. Meet my Husband….
My husband works at an American Embassy as a diplomat. In real life he is a banker but in my eyes he is an extremely talented and successful diplomat. He has this ability to see things from others points of view yet you will be helpless in leaving his presence without a sense that this guy knows what is really going on…
As I was (and still am) falling in love with him I wanted to know more and more and more…why does he act that way? Where does this come from? Like others you may admire I wanted to know if I could find out what his secret was….I knew faith was a big part of his life, I knew he read the Bible (more than once, gasp!) And I knew from our conversations that all of that was the biggest influence on the person he is today.
So…the year we got married I started to feel all grown up and wanted to do “grown up” things. So I said, “We are going to church.” And we did. We went to church and another church and another church and another church. And then….I was all churched out. To be honest I was completely discouraged, a little freaked out and even disgusted at one of them. So we gave that up for awhile.
Then I decided I would read the Bible. So like any other well educated English speaking literate woman would do I opened the first Bible I could find and started reading the first page. I remember asking myself just then why so much time has passed between when I knew this ancient and most famous book ever written existed and when I actually sat down to read it. Then about three pages in I quit. It was too hard! Seriously?! People read and understand what they are talking about with all the whoeths, and thougheths, and giveths??!!! Nobody talks like that!! So I gave up again.
But, I still couldn’t shake that feeling of what I call “wanting to be all grown up.” It involved things of wonder…the same ones I believe all of us have…What is the purpose of all this? Why are we here? Does God care about me? About the poor? About the suffering? These questions were in my heart for a long time and they were not going anywhere. I just pushed them down deeper or swatted them away like an annoying fly that just won’t get out of my face. It was too hard.
A couple years later I gave birth to our daughter. It’s very cliché but there really are no words. Just love. God is love. This experience, this whole experience of having a child is not a coincidence it is not by chance it is beauty, pure beauty….
I am not talking about immaculate conception here. What I mean by this not being a coincidence or by chance is that I truly believe that the beauty in all the science that explains how it comes to be that we as human beings develop and are born onto this earth is so amazing that in my personal view could only be designed by God. Some people believe that science serves to discredit a maker. For me science has shown to prove and strengthen my faith. For example, a few years ago I read a book called A Closer Look at the Evidence by Richard and Tina Kleiss. If you are someone that wants to know more and is at all skeptical because you think Christians base all faith on lack of scientific knowledge I highly recommend this book. This is an excerpt from one of the first few pages...
Evidence from Biology
Although the original world was created perfect and without death,
our fallen world requires creatures to adapt to difficult situations in order to survive.
Even in the current world full of death and competition, the smallest of creatures exhibit amazing capabilities for survival in harsh environments. The female snowshoe rabbit is one such creature.
During extreme drought or harsh winters, the stress of finding food triggers a chemical process in the pregnant female that stops an embryo's growth. Her body then responds to this condition of physical weakness with a process called resorption. In this process, the mother completely reabsorbs the growing embryo. This mechanism allows the rabbit to survive by replenishing her own strength. She can later become pregnant during more favorable conditions.
The number of chemical and physical changes required for a rabbit to reverse a pregnancy is mind boggling. There is no scientific evidence which explains how this remarkable resorption process could have evolved. The creativity of God to have provided for the common rabbit in this way is truly amazing!
This book has short one page examples on topics in biology, botany, chemistry, fossils, anatomy, prophecies and on and on. No matter what you believe I think you will find this book very informative and interesting.
Anyway, back to me...
Having a child really helped me to understand what it meant for God to send his son to us. I understood that we are humans and our finite human brains understand only what we see around us. But love, love is more than what we see. Love is more than what we say, or read, what we understand, what we feel or who we are. God is Love. He loves us so much and wanted to help us to understand and he wanted to communicate so bad with us that he sent his son. This could be the only way, the best way to help us understand.We have since found an amazing Bible based church whose focus is on feeding the poor, taking care of the sick and many other acts of love that Jesus has taught us. I am learning every day honestly, every single day I am amazed at what I learn about this man.
I used to worry a lot too that I didn’t know all the “terminology” that people toss around at church. I never belonged to that sort of “club” and I was worried I wouldn’t fit it. I learned that none of that matters, there isn’t a club…as one of my favorite bloggers says “Everybody’s In, baby.”
It doesn’t matter who you are what you do or don’t do….nothing, nothing, nothing changes his love for you. Like a great poem I heard the other day said “Now that I know Jesus I boast in my weakness.”
My faith is just that; a belief and trust in all that is possible through God. Not one person can prove or dissprove my beliefs. Some think it is crazy to believe in God, in Jesus and in an afterlife. However, since neither you nor I have yet to experience death, neither you nor I can say that we know the truth simply because we've been there. Based on this, and given the choice I choose to believe because I truly have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I choose to have faith in something bigger, something amazing and beautiful. Something full of love.
I began reading the Bible again only this time I approach it in a way you may approach a dictionary or an encyclopedia a manual or even Google, I “look it up.” I even have a Bible app on my phone that I find extremely useful.
Along my journey and in between his trips to the Embassy my husband held my hand and walked alongside me. He never lost patience nor “insisted on his way.” This Bible verse reminds me of him more than anything I have ever heard or read…
Love is patient and kind;
Love does not envy or boast;
It is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on it’s way;
It is not irritable or resentful
It does not rejoice at wrongdoing
But rejoices with the truth
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things
Love never ends
1 Corinthians 13:4
As I said before, as humans we tend to admire others may it be your husband, your wife, a favorite actor, football player and on and on. God knew what he was doing when he sent his son. He knew it was in our nature to admire another human, to want to know their secrets and what makes them who they are and learn from them. He gave us his son.
